Some helpful hints

Talking to lots of family about our adoption reminded me that I had been meaning to provide some general "helpful hints" for people who are asking someone about their adoption. They apply both to our case and to anyone else's, and might help you think about what to ask or say (and what not to ask or say) when you talk to a friend or family member who is adopting. I read some of these elsewhere so they haven't even necessarily come up for me, but I think it's a public service to let people know anyway!

For the record, I haven't been offended by anything anyone has said to me, so if you read this and think you violated some rule, don't worry about it! Just be aware for the people you might encounter in the future. I have had a great time talking with family about our process.

DO: Feel free to ask about the adoption! Some people are hesitant to bring it up, particularly when they know things are stalled and don't want to bring up a source of stress. But it is so good to know that you are thinking about us and praying about the situation!

DON'T: Ask how much it costs financially, unless you are a very close friend or family member (or you want to donate money)! It ends up sounding like we are "buying" a baby. Kind of awkward. There are just a lot of administrative and travel costs to make things happen.

DO: Ask questions about the child (ex. do you know the gender? have you thought about names? do you have a room set up?). These are the things you might ask a person who is pregnant, and since adoptive parents are also "expecting" a child, it makes sense to ask! You also have the chance to ask other questions you wouldn't get to ask a biological parent, such as where the baby is currently living and how old he/she is likely to be when he/she comes home.

DON'T: If you have brought up the issue of money (which I've already said you shouldn't!), do not suggest that adoption is "probably comparable" to the costs of pregnancy and childbirth. Health insurance doesn't cover adoption! However, there is a substantial federal tax credit that helps defray costs, which is helpful.

DO: Encourage adoptive parents to hang in there when things are delayed or moving slowly. They can use the encouragement! Leaving comments on this blog, as some of you are doing, is a great help to me. It's easy to do. If you don't have a special online account, just check the box for "anonymous" when you leave your comment, and be sure to put your name at the end in the text itself, such as "Lots of love, Aunt Jaynie and Uncle Steve"....hint hint :)

DON'T: Compare the open-ended adoption wait to the length of pregnancy (as in, "well, even a pregnancy takes 9 months"). Absent any medical problems, a couple knows, immediately upon learning of their pregnancy, the approximate month their child will arrive. An open-ended wait is a completely different experience with a different kind of stress. Be sensitive to this when talking with someone who is in the waiting stage.

DO: Talk about other things besides the adoption. Life is multifaceted!

DON'T: Suggest that those who have decided to adopt will now become pregnant. It sounds like Murphy's Law, but the fact is it very seldom happens. I found the statistic today -- it's roughly 5-10%. It's surprising to me how many people do in fact know someone for whom this was the case. Maybe it's because those stories are spread more often than the story of a couple who adopts all of their children. But what concerns me more is that it gives the impression that one has "given up" on a first choice and is "settling" for a second choice (but still secretly hoping for that first one). It's almost given as a word of comfort, as if the news of an adoption is bad news and they hope it can be avoided. Of course, people don't mean it that way, but it is hard to hear it any differently. An unexpected bend in the road, created by God himself, should not be characterized this way! We are very excited about what God is doing, even if we cannot always predict how he is going to do it. It is remarkable to think how we will look back and see God's hand in something that has been difficult and confusing and joyful at the same time.

I think the best example of a great reaction to the news of an adoption is the way a friend of mine here in Gainesville reacted. I told her I had some big news. She grabbed my arm and got all excited and said "You're pregnant!". I said "no". She waited. I said "We're adopting a baby!" She picked up right where she had left off, eyes lit up and hugging me and telling me all about how it is going to be a girl because she wants a "niece". She joined in the joy! That's the best thing you can do. A lot of adoptive parents have waited a long time for the excitement of being a parent, and it's worth celebrating that the blessing is on the way. Thanks so much to all of our friends and family who are continuing to wait and celebrate with us!